Yes, I’m a week late. I’m very sorry. It has been another one of those weeks.
The word ‘want’ can be used to mean ‘lack’ as well as ‘desire’ or ‘wish for’. And at the moment I find that I’m defining my life by the things I don’t have – they’re the things I want in both senses of the word.
I am not at my best when I’m not sleeping. Unfortunately, a combination of insomnia and a horrendous cough that has woken me up in the night for nearly a month means that ‘not at my best’ is an understatement. Frankly, I’m a zombie. Most of my conscious mind is focused on the fact that I’m tired. Yet here I am at 4 a.m. unable to sleep. It is not fun. But it is what it is.
I share a house with a four year old and a two year old. Enough said. Some of the noise is exuberance – chatting and singing and other such things, which are more bearable, but there is also quite a lot of rowing and squealing, which I cannot bear. I want a volume control for my children. Or a mute button.
My house always has a certain amount of clutter and chaos, but at the moment it’s at another level. The plumbing isn’t finished, so there are boards up and the contents of the airing cupboard on the landing and suchlike. But we’re also trying to declutter and sort out our stuff while we move our offices about – why does the process of throwing things away seem to result in more stuff? Why is tidying such a messy operation? Baffling. I have taken to repeating ‘We’ll get there in the end’ like a mantra. But actually, I hope we get there before the end. It would be rubbish to get there and have no time to enjoy it…
The bizarre thing is that despite the fact I’m tired and stressed and chaotic, my mind is bubbling with ideas. I want to make and do so many things but don’t have the time and space and energy. I’m satisfying myself with sketching and list making in my special ‘Ideas’ notebook, so that at least the inspiration doesn’t fizzle away.
Rose also participated in this weekword, but doesn’t want to host. If nobody else picks a word, I’ll go again on Monday.